Yellyellyell...shut up!!
So me and dad seem to be fighting a lot lately. I'm so sick of it! He gets me soo mad and he doesn’t even make sense. Like yeh I suppose I can be a bitch and annoying when I fight with someone but at least my arguments are logical and can back what I say up with fact unlike him; he just says stuff that is clearly not true and made up in his own little mind and when I prove him wrong about it he gets angrier or mimics what I say to piss me off more, like wtf!! Grrr. It sounds mean but I honestly can't wait to move out this weekend and get away from this place..like not so much my house cause it's my home and I feel safe and comfortable here and I do love my family but I'm sick of the stress and the tension all the time. I'm just sick of his shit and constant interrogation of my life and ordering of what I should be doing. It's like he's telling me what I'm thinking and what I need to do and what's happening when it's my friggin life and I am my own person so I think I should know!!! *sighh*
Arhh
FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK UNI FK PARENTS FK FEELINGS FK TIME FK DISTANCE FK MONEY FK WORK FK DREAMS FK LIFE FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U FK U
That's reality hun.
Yeh..got home yesterday. Amazing week in Syd.. now reality hits. There's that saying not to cry that things ended but to smile that they ever happened, but I have to think... sometimes I wish things never did happen because at least then you wouldn't know what you're now missing. If it never happened well at least you wouldn't even know what it was like and things would be normal, whereas once they have happened then taken away then there's a gap and you're left to question why that gap is there and if the thing was really important in the first place and what it ever meant and what now and all the other shitty questions your head makes up.
Yes, sometimes I think life would be a lot easier if there were no good moments, just constant living..coz with no ups there'd be no downs...and downs definitely suck..
ill write about Sydney sometime soon.
....I'm off to Toms farewell with Tim and stuff..hopefully I'll forget everything...
Names..
that I like:
- Aurora
- Alaska
- Anastasia
- Essex
- Summer
- Acacia
- Ebony
- Sky
- Alice
- Elissa
- Kelsey
- Jay/Jaie
- Jye
- Byron
- Cohen
- Wesley
- Owen
- Rayne
- Zac
- Oliver
- Julian
- Jarryd
- Brodie/Bradie
- Braden
Stupid
It’s funny how you can get so many compliments, pick up lines, stares, people telling you you’re beautiful, amazing, their dream girl, whatever... but none of it seems to make a difference or matter or mean anything what so ever if it’s not said by the right person. You still feel as shitty and worthless as you would have if no one said anything nice about you at all.
..It’s messed up.
A story
So I thought I'd tell you a little bit more about my life.. not so much about me as a person, just my story.. Just cause J I'm bored.
My names Sarah Alice Mitchell and I was born on the 22nd of November 1988 in Canberra hospital. I grew up from pretty much since then 4WDing throughout Australia and going on isolated camping trips ranging from just weekends to a few months at a time. There’s really not many places in Australia I haven’t been, from random aboriginal towns out in central Australia up to the rainforests of cape york. Through this I developed a love for the outdoors and wildlife while it also made me studier than most girls I grew up with and am not scared of all that much. I suppose it also contributed to my appreciation of being alone and enjoying the simple things.
I have one older brother who’s always been a best friend of mine as we usually only had each other on those long trips in the car or out in the desert. He always treated me more like a brother than a sister; playing army men out the back of our house, blowing up letter boxes when he discovered home explosives and lighting body parts on fire with deodorant cans just cause it was the coolest thing ever. Wrestling with me and almost always making me cry when I was younger, but I always went back a few minutes later coz it was always the best of fun with him. Home has always been Canberra and I’ve lived in the same house almost all my life. Mums an architect and designed it just before I was born. We don’t have a back fence and our garden goes out into the bush behind our suburb. I’ve always loved this and it’s always been a place to escape from anything when I just want to be alone. My parents are both crazy skiers and used to go heliskiing back in the day so naturally me and my bro were introduced to little skis when we were 3 yrs old and went up to the snow every yr since. I went to the same Christian school all my life and made the most amazing friendships I could have whilst there. Over highschool we stopped going away as much because of time restraints as me and my brother got older. I started playing soccer in yr6 and played competitively up until yr 10 including school comps (which our school won every year). During yr8 I started figureskating lessons and practiced 3 times a week until I was soon competing in national comps. BMX started in college when some of my friends did it and I insisted they take me to the park and teach me to drop in. It slowly became a big part of my life, the culture, the people, everything.
I was always pretty good at art and used to get top grades in my work just cause I made them look so impressive :p I originally wanted to be an artist or a zoologist. Just cause I love all animals so much and find them fascinating. I also considered environmental science in my later years but decided id study human nutrition after yr12 and eventually be a sports nutritionist and work with athletes. I graduated college with a uai in the 80s and the act and surrounding areas art award. I went to the University of Canberra and stuck with human nutrition for 2 yrs before deciding the science was too much for me, I wouldn’t pursue it even if I finished and hated it too much to stick with it. I changed beginning of 2009 to secondary education in health and physical development. It’s a pretty awesome degree, still difficult but involves lots of practical work and sport. All the pe students are awesome and we all get along unlike in nutrition where I didn’t really fit in. Now unis much more like out of the movies; big messy res parties, swapping assignments to everyone last minute to help everyone out, uni sports teams, road trips together and crazy nights out. It’s like a little family.
Other than uni life has been pretty steady since college, worked at inski for 3 yrs and still do promo modelling, still ride when I can but had some big differences with the bmx scene after a few relationships, stopped firgureskating due to time demands but still travelled up to the snow every winter staying with mates who live up there and board all yr round rather than my parents. Had a few relationships but nothing that ever stuck. I’m still close friends with all but one of my exes though which says a lot about their character.
So here I am today in my same old room, finished my 1st semester for the year and about to try something new in life. In 2 weeks I’ll be moving up to the snow for the season, got a job with the resort there and will be staying with 3 others in our little apartment. I guess It’s just that time.. time for change. Hopefully it will be an amazing experience to add to my story...
I was always pretty good at art and used to get top grades in my work just cause I made them look so impressive :p I originally wanted to be an artist or a zoologist. Just cause I love all animals so much and find them fascinating. I also considered environmental science in my later years but decided id study human nutrition after yr12 and eventually be a sports nutritionist and work with athletes. I graduated college with a uai in the 80s and the act and surrounding areas art award. I went to the University of Canberra and stuck with human nutrition for 2 yrs before deciding the science was too much for me, I wouldn’t pursue it even if I finished and hated it too much to stick with it. I changed beginning of 2009 to secondary education in health and physical development. It’s a pretty awesome degree, still difficult but involves lots of practical work and sport. All the pe students are awesome and we all get along unlike in nutrition where I didn’t really fit in. Now unis much more like out of the movies; big messy res parties, swapping assignments to everyone last minute to help everyone out, uni sports teams, road trips together and crazy nights out. It’s like a little family.
Other than uni life has been pretty steady since college, worked at inski for 3 yrs and still do promo modelling, still ride when I can but had some big differences with the bmx scene after a few relationships, stopped firgureskating due to time demands but still travelled up to the snow every winter staying with mates who live up there and board all yr round rather than my parents. Had a few relationships but nothing that ever stuck. I’m still close friends with all but one of my exes though which says a lot about their character.
So here I am today in my same old room, finished my 1st semester for the year and about to try something new in life. In 2 weeks I’ll be moving up to the snow for the season, got a job with the resort there and will be staying with 3 others in our little apartment. I guess It’s just that time.. time for change. Hopefully it will be an amazing experience to add to my story...
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?
Why do people love the messed up, the disturbed, the tourtured, the ugly. Why do people love evil. Why are we intrigued by it. Horror movies, suicide, murders, death. Drugs, swearing, fighting, hate. Why don’t more people love the beautiful, the pure, the living, simplicity, selflessness. I don’t understand..?
Last night
..it was the Canberra Knights vs Melbourne Ice, a big game for the boys as Melb is always top of the ladder every year.
Anyway after the game we all went back to 2 of the boys place for the after party.
The game got so intence it was hilarious, there couldn’t pass one round without a yelling match about who won haha.
2.45am
I have so much I want to say but I'm too drunk and everthings numb. Blerrrhh. I can already feel my hangover coming along ahaha not good. I'll write tomorrow. Goodnight x
Wow
I have the most amazing friends ever. They'd do anything for me and I can't thank them enough for that. Just this last week I've had so many friends make my life that much better; making sure I'm ok and offering to help out with many things, and this has been just a normal week like all others. Uni friends helping with assignments, Matt offering to sort something out if I needed a hand with money, Jye asking me to go to Syd with the group of them and offering to pick me up from home and pay for my accommo and drinks/food just so I could have a break away from everything. Stuey getting me into the ice hockey as he does every week, Jen going to get me dinner last night, not to mention all the others like Mike and even Lily just letting me know that they're just a call away if I need anything or feel like talking. I was sitting here at lunch and it just hit me how lucky I am to have such genuine beautiful friends. How many people can honestly say that they have even one friend who would do anything they could to help them out of to make them happy. I know there would be many people who might say this, but whether they actually mean it is another story. My friends have proven time and time again that they do and will follow through with what they say and they will stick by me no matter what.
I love you guys so so much and even though I'm busy a lot of the time and don't give you as much of me as I would like, I appreciate everyone so much more than you'll ever know. Because even that one little message that I may not even wb to telling me to smile because I have a beautiful smile, makes my day that much better.
<3
<3
To get by..
- 3 teaspoons of coffee
- 2 teaspoons of milo
- 1 teaspoon of sugar
- boiling water
- milk
- packet of no doz
- comfy chair
- lap top
Looks like I'm set for an all nighter to finish these 3 assignments..
I'm so tired. Tired of uni, tired of trying, tired of thinking and sick of hopes. Sometimes I can actually feel myself fading away.
Screw this! What the hell was I thinking anyway!?? Was I just trying to screw myself over by getting my hopes up? Its so blatantly clear and was right from the beginning. I give up. Totally give up. I'm not trying any more. I'm over being the only one who ever tries. Everyone knows I'm all alone, but people coming at me trying to use me, fool me. All the lies. I'm so tired of them. Tired of trying to work out what's real and what's not. Who's lying and who actually cares. It's too much. Why can't everyone just be real? Why can't everything be straightforward? Black and white. I hate grey. Life is grey. I despise grey... I'm better than this. Better than all of this. You. I don't need you. I don't need anyone.
I think life just punched me in the face. Ok ok I get it, I've already told you I give up....... can I have my life back now??
Not good
Today I had 2 of my 5 assignments due for this week. Urhh this week is like hell. I have no sleep so wake up late and fully not alive then stress to finish my work then get it in just to have another one to do. Sucksss. So had uni all day then stopped into the city on my way home..and spent all my money that I needed for my house bond o_O This is a problem. And I knew I shouldn't of been spending the money but I just kept finding cool stuff like tees and leopard stockings and wet look leggings and had to pay off my layby...then I finally found vintage shoes that were right so had to put them on layby....
Though one thing I am quite pleased with is that I went into the salvo store and got 4 jeans, one stripy jumper and a military coat for only $27 :) and so far just cut one pair of jeans into shorts and they're amazingly cool.Very pleased ^_^
But now I'm broke and wanting to go to both Melb and Syd and have my house bond and 2 wks rent to pay in advance and still have 3 assigns to do by friday :( :(
Pray for me. lol.
For real
So finally sent off all my rental lease agreements and job acceptance forms for the snow season. Wow this is really happening, I'm really moving up to Jindabyne for the winter. I've wanted to do this since I finished high school and now I actually am. It's all coming together and now creeping up so fast. It's only 3 weeks until I move and lists are starting to be written for what I need to bring and new warm pyjamas and thermals are being bought.
The first snowfall has been and the mountains are slowly being painted white. I can't wait :) it's going to be amazing. I'm slightly scared though, I'll miss everyone at home so much and will miss out on important birthdays and guess lose touch with a few people. I'm housing with 2 mates and a random girl..I hope she's cool. It will be like another life up there, cut off from the one I've always lived at home. But it's time for change..time for something new and I think this is what I need in life right now...
Hopefully I can find my footings.
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