and it all became too much.
the night was still; not even the leaves moved as I ran through the darkness cutting through it like a knife. and as I approached the crest of the mountain all the cities lights spread out in front of me appearing one by one like the stars do when the sun sets. the last bit of pink and orange fell behind the black mountain range on the horizon and as I slumped onto the rock platform I could feel my heart beating through my whole body; I could hear it, the vibration of my own life. I was alive. and it formed a beat through my head mixing together with the death cab song pouring through my headphones. looking up, venus, the brightest star in the sky shone down upon me and I realised just how small I was and that I was one spot here at the bottom of the world. and I wondered if you could see the same star where you were, but figured you wouldn't be looking up for it anyway; you’re not that kind of person, you miss out on so much of life. it's sad really. and I felt so alone sitting there but so full at the same time, just realising how fragile and precious our lives are. I miss feeling close to God, feeling something inside of me and apart of who I am bigger than myself. I never had to feel so empty when I knew Him. alone. for I knew He was all I needed in life. Him and my solid heartbeat echoing across the valley. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of running. and when everything can be so perfect if I just look for it, what am I running from? so I give myself up tonight. I lay everything down and put everything in the past. the seasons have changed and I think it’s time for me to also. I'm sick of being so weak, this is not who I was. I sometimes look at photos of myself and envy the person I once was. so strong and sure of herself, so in control of her life and what she wanted and somehow more beautiful, not in the physical sense but then again I suppose it showed on my face after all.
so I pulled myself from the rock and took a deep breath, breathing in the stars and the city and what I call my life. and I turned around and ran back home, wind in my face and air in my lungs as my heart beat firmly with my pounding steps..
