saying prayers for something perfect: September 2010

Drawn by Sarah Alice Mitchell

"Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade and the harm we do, we do to ourselves"

and it all became too much.

the night was still; not even the leaves moved as I ran through the darkness cutting through it like a knife. and as I approached the crest of the mountain all the cities lights spread out in front of me appearing one by one like the stars do when the sun sets. the last bit of pink and orange fell behind the black mountain range on the horizon and as I slumped onto the rock platform I could feel my heart beating through my whole body; I could hear it, the vibration of my own life. I was alive. and it formed a beat through my head mixing together with the death cab song pouring through my headphones. looking up, venus, the brightest star in the sky shone down upon me and I realised just how small I was and that I was one spot here at the bottom of the world. and I wondered if you could see the same star where you were, but figured you wouldn't be looking up for it anyway; you’re not that kind of person, you miss out on so much of life. it's sad really. and I felt so alone sitting there but so full at the same time, just realising how fragile and precious our lives are. I miss feeling close to God, feeling something inside of me and apart of who I am bigger than myself. I never had to feel so empty when I knew Him. alone. for I knew He was all I needed in life. Him and my solid heartbeat echoing across the valley. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm sick of running. and when everything can be so perfect if I just look for it, what am I running from? so I give myself up tonight. I lay everything down and put everything in the past. the seasons have changed and I think it’s time for me to also. I'm sick of being so weak, this is not who I was. I sometimes look at photos of myself and envy the person I once was. so strong and sure of herself, so in control of her life and what she wanted and somehow more beautiful, not in the physical sense but then again I suppose it showed on my face after all.

so I pulled myself from the rock and took a deep breath, breathing in the stars and the city and what I call my life. and I turned around and ran back home, wind in my face and air in my lungs as my heart beat firmly with my pounding steps..

“ If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?

— confucius

Sep 11.

It’s funny how the mind remembers moments so vividly. Not days but small snippets of one’s life. It was 9 years ago today now but I can remember that morning like it was just last week. Being woken up by my mum standing there with her jumper on and hair swept up in a pony tail holding a crumpled tissue with tears staining her cheeks. In my half awake morning state I remember frantically asking what was wrong and what had happened and she just said Americas been attacked and so many are dead. She kept saying it’s horrible, so horrible, grasping her tissue as if the reality of some human nature had just become too much to bare. I remember watching images on the television sitting in my school uniform eating breakfast on the couch. The broadcast was so erratic and unplanned jumping from replays of the plains tearing into the towers to quick news updates on what the current situation was, statements from heads of government and live images from across the water of a smoking city. The family that used to car pool me and my brother hadn’t heard of what happened as they didn’t watch television in the mornings and I remember sitting in the car driving to school not fully grasping the extent of what had just happened across the other side of the world while I was sleeping. I don’t remember what school was like that day; how the teachers were acting, what happened that lunch or exactly what my mum was doing when I returned that afternoon. But I do remember the constant television broadcast of newly received footage, of running people through a city of grey, of crumbling buildings as if they were made from silt and of bodies, so many bodies hurtling towards earth from great heights out of desperation. I do remember thinking that I suppose that way you could be at peace in the air for a good few seconds and look at the world for one last time like you’d never seen it before your life was cut off. But I also remember thinking what it would have been like running from the site with bodies splattering around you and what would happen to something dropped from such a height. I recall the search for survivors that continued for weeks; that clouded grey landscape filled with towering spikes of rubble and remaining window structures looking somehow satanic. Yes some memories in life will never be forgotten just as hopefully those almost 3000 people won’t be either. I just hope the world has learnt something from that day. RIP.

10.9.10

I think I just got punched in the face.. thanks for the heads up.

faggot.

Well thank fuck that's over!

currently reading:in cold blood - truman capote

“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. So don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay”

It’s so disheartening and frustrating when I think about ever finding the right guy for me. Like so many people only date others who live in the same town or city; they use distance as an excuse. But the whole world is out there full of 1000000000’s of people and how do you know if your soul mate, the one you’re meant to be with isn't out there. People marry their high school boyfriend and hey, what’s to say that they weren't meant to find each other in high school and stay together, yeh some may be that lucky but I can’t help see photos of boys from the other side of the world and wonder if they’re meant for me. How are we to know? The whole thought of meeting someone just right for you seems like an impossible task. It’s literally like finding a diamond on the beach when you don’t even know what a diamond looks like. I guess we just need to have faith that what's meant to happen will happen and we'll meet the right person when we're supposed to...easier said than done.

When a person can't answer directly to your question, the answer is either too painful for you to know or too hard for them to admit.

6.9.10

I’m so over everything, it’s all so pointless. Like our lives are made up of doing things for everyone else or in order to get somewhere where you don’t even have any control over getting to. I’m through. I’m just going to get my bike and ride it every day and focus on getting good at it, just cause I can and because it’s something for me. I’m going to figureskate once a week and I’m going to do well at each and every one of my units at uni. I just got a credit plus for my first assign of the semester so that’s a start.. I don’t care if it seems like I don’t have a life cause all I do is focus on these certain things but I will have a life and it will be awesome because it will all be for me and it’s all what is real and what will stay even after everyone else has gone. I may sound selfish but I’ve found living for anyone else is a waste of time.