16.10.10
Every time I see a plane drawing it's line across the sky I can't help but wish it was me up there flying away somewhere, anywhere.. I don't know why, but right now the thought is making my chest tighten.
This dear young man pulling a face here is not only one of my best friends but also the owner of a personal training business and has kindly agreed to train me for free twice a week for the rest of the year, just cause I'm awesome. My first session was this Monday, the 11th Oct... honestly, I was that close to spewing up. Damn you Jye De-ath, I know you just love torturing me. Guess it will pay off in the summer and it's exactly what I need, tough love. Wish me luck... hope I survive.
14.10.10
The problem with having predominately male friends is that although they can be really close mates who I have the most fun with and get along with better than anyone else, when they all get girlfriends they stop hanging out with me and we slowly drift apart. They can't be there for me like they used to be despite me still being 'one of the boys'. So I find I’m left with almost no friends the older I get..
i wrote this to you a while ago now. i think i'm now comfortable enough to let it out in the open. i doubt you'll ever read this, and even if you did you wouldn't understand most of it or probably even know it was for you. i guess your'e not really supposed to.. no one is.
and i tried to tell you one of those nights in july. after the snow had etched tears upon my heart. but you were always laughing and making fun, i was afraid and feeling too vulnerable. and i couldn’t feel you there, not all of you, maybe half. i felt your arms and your hair and the awkward shaped bed beneath us but not your soul, not your heart. and i felt like i was meant to be there then but yet that i should run away from you all together. i wanted to tell you everything but my thoughts don’t always connect well with my mouth and most of it was irrelevant, except the fact they were apart of me and who i was. i wanted you to know but there was just too much to say and the wind outside told me to be quiet. you reminded me of the way i felt in high school. when everything was beautiful because the world was still dangerous, like a wild secret, like it held the greatest possibility that you could fall in love with anybody. you smelt like alcohol and i smelt like tears. you didn't seem to care about the fact that my face was wet with that snow. i felt this there as we lay but i couldn't tell if it was not caring because you loved me for who i was despite this or not caring because you genuinely didn't care about me at all. you were a closed book and that's what you were, your pages could never be read and i'm not entirely sure that even you know what's written on them to this day. i wanted to tell you about those nights when my feet were hot with blood and my eyes were painted the wrong colour. how my finger uncontrollably pointed towards nothingness and uncertainty and i ran straight for an hour towards the stars who's shoulders reached out, calling for me. i wanted to tell you about the darkness and how scared i get sometimes. you laugh at how tough i am but i wish you knew the other truth, my darkness. i wanted to tell you how i’d felt God once, but i guess i’ll never tell you that. i wanted to tell you how you made me feel and what you meant and i wanted to know what i mean to you but the nights danced away like sail-boats and everything you ever gave me was reversed the very next time i saw you. i was confused and you were strong minded, you wasted our days with nothingness and in the end i had nothing either, barely even memories. your real words were rare like those times when real life for a fraction of a second actually feels like real life. i guess that's why now i feel like i never actually ever knew you. i always wished ever so badly that you’d hold my hand or touch me so i could feel your heart though your fingertips. just to know that you knew i was there and that i was special and that i was different and that i was beautiful. and just cause you could. but none of that ever happened and i never did believe any of it was true. you were always wary and i was hopeful. but hope dies a slow death just like the snow in spring, melting crystal by crystal until there's none left, nothing remains. i had a dream about you one night; i hadn't heard from you in a while, i guess you were too busy for me and you were holding a girl on your lap. i'd ignored you for sometime, preoccupied with those who were after my soul and convincing myself that i didn't care. but you built up inside of me as if the stars were overcrowding in the sky and i kicked you towards her so your lips touched like razors cutting into me. and when you looked at me your eyes were blank, just like maybe those pages inside you are. i had no idea how you felt. and you were always careless and guiltless, nothing ever phased you. but my time was running out as they locked me in that lift room and soon i fell through that rickety hole in the floor, spurred on by you. and you didn't care one bit no matter how loud i cried your name. i never told you a lot of things, the way i felt when i was lying next to you, so chaotic and thoughtful inside yet immensely empty. you made me feel alone and unimportant and i tried to tell you one of those nights in august. but you were so free and set in your ways that you didn't hear me..maybe you did and just chose to ignore it. i once said i loved that i could tell you anything. but in reality i never really told you all that much because your heart wouldn’t let me. i've turned pink with the afternoon. i am calm. i am whole only for a second. and for a moment all the seasons make sense. everybody’s leaves have to change colours right? right? i guess you're still not listening. and as chances drift away like leaves on a river so does my faith and the memory of when we first met. we laughed and smiled together yet were complete strangers, as we sat next to each other, slightly touching. two worlds that once collided.
it’s a weird feeling when you see photos of your first proper bf getting married. especially when it doens’t seem all that long since you were together, although i suppose a lot has happened since. but it’s even stranger when its a vegas marriage and you saw him leave for america single only 3 months earlier for a bmx tour. wow. guess that's life.
8.10.10
So last night we had our pe uni ball for 2010, the chance for all 4yrs of health&pe students to get together and party ..was a fun night. Though we ended up getting kicked out of the venue a few hrs before the end of the official ball due to too many broken glasses :s Just had to venture into the city a bit earlier I guess lol. We'll all make great teachers haha trust us to teach your kids about healthy drinking ;)
My life’s a mess; I’m in need of some structure.
Things I need to do:
Drink more water. I really need to drink more full stop. But then when I do I always have cordial or something. I need to get used to drinking just water and at least 8 glasses a day.
Fix my sleeping pattern. I go to sleep no earlier than 2am and am death in the morning, usually sleeping half the day and missing uni classes.
Fix my eating pattern. Because I sleep in I miss out on breakfast then I’m too lazy or not hungry and end up eating nothing. I’ve found I’ve developed a bad habit of checking the cupboard and fridge and if there’s nothing I instantly feel like eating, I just don’t eat. Yesterday I ate one crumpet all day and the day before I had a banana and then later 2 bottles of jack followed by a single sausage sandwich at a mate’s bbq. It’s so unhealthy and must stop.
Do more exercise. Ever since I’ve moved back from Jindy I’ve done very little physical activity and I think it’s making me down. I miss bmxing and I want to get fit for summer so need to go to the gym, go for a run, kick the footy, skateboard, anything!
Get out of my hermit rut. So I’m not fully a hermit, I still meet up with people more than most but I’ve started preferring to just stay at home for days on end rather than doing something with my life or socialising with friends. It’s like sometimes I can’t be bothered getting ready or be bothered talking to anyone at all. This is unlike me so must come to an end.
Get a job. I am literally BROKE! I was living off money saved up at Jindy and my tax return but the other weekend I got 2 speeding fines ($400 in total) and now I can barely live. I can’t travel where I want cause I can’t afford petrol. Can’t afford to do things such as movies, zoo, lunch out, drinks out, and not to mention fashion; I’m about to die! So I need a job fast!
Do my uni work. Yes it’s an obvious one and one I always struggle with. Biggest procrastinator ever and I’m slowly starting to put things off like I always do. I really can’t afford to get behind.
Live life now and not wait for the future. It’s sad and embarrassing to say but lately I’ve just spent days in my room doing nothing in particular at all. Sleeping, sorting, writing crap, just lying on the floor etc. I don’t write back to people when they ask what I’m up to and am just wasting life cause there’s nothing to be excited about or nothing much going on. I’m just not motivated in the slightest to do anything. It’s horrible. I need to make sure I make something out of every day. It’s annoying cause as you can see I have so much to do but I just do nothing. Go walk around the lake, visit a friend I haven’t seen in ages, get that job, paint, exercise. I always have someone asking me to do something so why don’t I go? Wow I need to fix my life.
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