saying prayers for something perfect

I bought these stockings today :D aren't they cute

Last night

..it was the Canberra Knights vs Melbourne Ice, a big game for the boys as Melb is always top of the ladder every year.

Anyway after the game we all went back to 2 of the boys place for the after party.

The game got so intence it was hilarious, there couldn’t pass one round without a yelling match about who won haha.

2.45am

I have so much I want to say but I'm too drunk and everthings numb. Blerrrhh. I can already feel my hangover coming along ahaha not good. I'll write tomorrow. Goodnight x

I have the most amazing friends ever. They'd do anything for me and I can't thank them enough for that. Just this last week I've had so many friends make my life that much better; making sure I'm ok and offering to help out with many things, and this has been just a normal week like all others. Uni friends helping with assignments, Matt offering to sort something out if I needed a hand with money, Jye asking me to go to Syd with the group of them and offering to pick me up from home and pay for my accommo and drinks/food just so I could have a break away from everything. Stuey getting me into the ice hockey as he does every week, Jen going to get me dinner last night, not to mention all the others like Mike and even Lily just letting me know that they're just a call away if I need anything or feel like talking. I was sitting here at lunch and it just hit me how lucky I am to have such genuine beautiful friends. How many people can honestly say that they have even one friend who would do anything they could to help them out of to make them happy. I know there would be many people who might say this, but whether they actually mean it is another story. My friends have proven time and time again that they do and will follow through with what they say and they will stick by me no matter what.

I love you guys so so much and even though I'm busy a lot of the time and don't give you as much of me as I would like, I appreciate everyone so much more than you'll ever know. Because even that one little message that I may not even wb to telling me to smile because I have a beautiful smile, makes my day that much better.
<3

things will work themselves out

To get by..

3 teaspoons of coffee
2 teaspoons of milo
1 teaspoon of sugar
boiling water
milk
packet of no doz
comfy chair
lap top

Looks like I'm set for an all nighter to finish these 3 assignments..

another cold day. kinda suits everything

I'm so tired. Tired of uni, tired of trying, tired of thinking and sick of hopes. Sometimes I can actually feel myself fading away.

Screw this! What the hell was I thinking anyway!?? Was I just trying to screw myself over by getting my hopes up? Its so blatantly clear and was right from the beginning. I give up. Totally give up. I'm not trying any more. I'm over being the only one who ever tries. Everyone knows I'm all alone, but people coming at me trying to use me, fool me. All the lies. I'm so tired of them. Tired of trying to work out what's real and what's not. Who's lying and who actually cares. It's too much. Why can't everyone just be real? Why can't everything be straightforward? Black and white. I hate grey. Life is grey. I despise grey... I'm better than this. Better than all of this. You. I don't need you. I don't need anyone.

I think life just punched me in the face. Ok ok I get it, I've already told you I give up....... can I have my life back now??

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.

Not good

Today I had 2 of my 5 assignments due for this week. Urhh this week is like hell. I have no sleep so wake up late and fully not alive then stress to finish my work then get it in just to have another one to do. Sucksss. So had uni all day then stopped into the city on my way home..and spent all my money that I needed for my house bond o_O This is a problem. And I knew I shouldn't of been spending the money but I just kept finding cool stuff like tees and leopard stockings and wet look leggings and had to pay off my layby...then I finally found vintage shoes that were right so had to put them on layby....

Though one thing I am quite pleased with is that I went into the salvo store and got 4 jeans, one stripy jumper and a military coat for only $27 :) and so far just cut one pair of jeans into shorts and they're amazingly cool.Very pleased ^_^

But now I'm broke and wanting to go to both Melb and Syd and have my house bond and 2 wks rent to pay in advance and still have 3 assigns to do by friday :( :(

Pray for me. lol.

For real

So finally sent off all my rental lease agreements and job acceptance forms for the snow season. Wow this is really happening, I'm really moving up to Jindabyne for the winter. I've wanted to do this since I finished high school and now I actually am. It's all coming together and now creeping up so fast. It's only 3 weeks until I move and lists are starting to be written for what I need to bring and new warm pyjamas and thermals are being bought.

The first snowfall has been and the mountains are slowly being painted white. I can't wait :) it's going to be amazing. I'm slightly scared though, I'll miss everyone at home so much and will miss out on important birthdays and guess lose touch with a few people. I'm housing with 2 mates and a random girl..I hope she's cool. It will be like another life up there, cut off from the one I've always lived at home. But it's time for change..time for something new and I think this is what I need in life right now...

Hopefully I can find my footings.

Morningggggg!!!!

Urh why do I always have the most messed up dreams/nightmares ever.

My eyes sting from the computer screen. Why did I leave these assignments till the last minute again!?

A dirty weekend

So the Red Bull Dirt Pipe is over for another year. Look at the place, its amazing! Held near mt Beauty in vic most of Australia's best bmxers travel here yearly to ride this insane piece of dirt. My friend Jaie Toohey ended up winning it over the other many riders with other mates like Clint Bensley and Danny Campbell placing pretty high too. The stacks were nearly as crazy as the comp itself with Clint falling like 20 stories and walking away. 2 of the guys I was out with on fri crashed pretty hard too with Chris having to go to hospital for his knee.

I'll definitely be putting this date into my diary next year to witness another awesome comp. Hope all you riders heal quickly <3

http://vimeo.com/11616044

A Friday past

So Friday was my last day prac teaching, we had the whole school athletics carnival. It was fun, I helped out with a few jobs like shooting the start gun and measuring the long jump; wow some guys are freaks haha. It was kinda sad leaving, as if id started a new job and was just getting into things, knowing the timetable, making friends with the other teachers etc then just leaving. Was a good experience tho :) hopefully my report is good.

My bmx friends Chris, Nick and Danger arrived from qld and syd on their way to the red bull dirt pipe in Victoria so of course we all hit the town along with other local rider Zac. Was a messy messy night full of dares, drinks and laughs. Quite a lot of my other friends were out which was cool. It was weird but, it was like..what things used to be like. Before everything got screwed up with the riders and before I started avoiding skate parks at certain times. It was like everything had been forgotten and it was just a rowdy group of bmxers out for a good night. It's taken almost 4 long years for things to be like this again. Thank you for recognising the things you did in the past and for making things right again. Definitely needed Friday night.

I wish you could feel me.. feel me thinking of you. and msg me.

Today was my parents wedding anniversary. They've been together for over 25 years. Mum said it was a day much like today, freezing cold but beautiful. I can't imagine getting married..I always said I wanted to be married before I was 25 but now I'm turning 22 this yr it still seems a much longer way off. I don't even have a bf. I think it's the one thing I'm scared of in life, that I'll never find someone to spend my whole life with and be alone..and I don't want to have to settle not to be. Sometimes I feel I'm too different to find the right guy. Someone that might be compatible with one part of me just doesn't work with another aspect. I don't seem to fit together smoothly like most girls do. It's amazing to think of all the years my parents have been together and still they can go out to dinner alone like tonight. I often wonder how they've done it. I hope that to be me one day..

shakes head

So..the conversation that occurred between the pe teachers in the staffroom over morning tea went something like this:

'So you teaching health this arvo?'

'yeh..whats the movies they're meant to be watching?'

'um the guys is on like wet dreams and stuff and the girls is on periods and how to put on a bra..'

'...they don't teach them how to take them off though hahah'

'ahh the skill of taking off a bra haha'

'I used to be all over that, doing it one handed; beer in one hand, undoing the bra in the other haha'

'hahah yeh but it got a bit difficult when they were passed out haha'

'yeh give them a poke to see if they're still alive now and then'

'..yeh..as long as they're still warm haha..'

OMGGGG HAHAHAHA hadn't laughed so much in ages. I was half laughing and half sitting there with my mouth open in shock lolll. They're the funniest teachers ever. All in good fun.Every break it's another inappropriate but hilarious conversation.

Its amazing what the human mind can convince itself.

even when you know full well that it isn't true.

or realistic.

Riding's pretty much the best ^_^

I'm exhausted!! So got up this morning..late, because I went to bed at like 3am for some unknown reason. Then on the way to work I got a flat tyre :( so got picked up and had to leave my car on the side of the road. Had a staff meeting first up then had to teach all day..was meant to have the middle 2 periods off but one of the teachers had a meeting so I had to take his class with one minutes notice. Did cross country then discus. Then finally walking back to the staff room for lunch and I get told I'm on lunch duty so have to grab my hat and go back out to the oval :| Was a pretty funny lunch, got asked for a hug by one boy then later on another came up and said 'its kinda a dare but can I have your number?' my mentor teacher had a go at him cause it was inappropriate and that I'm a teacher and then told one of the year advisors to talk to the boys in yr 9 because it's annoying lol. Well after then I had a period in which I had to write up a whole lesson plan for the shot put class I was taking last period. Just finished it on the bell and headed off to take the class. It went kinda well. It's so hard looking after like 24 kids at once while also trying to help them get better at a skill. After last period I then had to stay behind to help set up for the schools information evening.urhh. Got home like an hr ago and am now currently curled up in bed with my laptop. Mum just informed me dinner is ready so I'll have to crawl out of my warm nest lol. Don't think I have the energy....

And I have another 2 lesson plans to do for tomorrow..one being a double period.

*sighh*

Can't wait to sleeep.

ha!

On ze phone

Doodled by Sarah Mitchell

Sunday sun

I love Sundays. They're so relaxed. Friends usually are preoccupied and nothing much is ever on so it gives me time alone. Time to do the things I want to do but don't have a chance to throughout the week. This afternoon I went up on the fire trail behind my house to watch the sunset. There's nothing else like the late afternoon sun, how it makes the world golden; bouncing light off everything it touches. I like being alone, it gives me time to catch up with myself and get to know who I really am. The outdoors puts everything into perspective, I see things clearer and understand what really matters and what doesn't.